Tripped over food

My Psyche is fucking with me. All day today it was like, you should eat this. And this. And this. There is nothing wrong with having a splurge day. Its like my subconscious wanted to sabotage all my good eating habits in one afternoon. Nothing I ate satisfied me. So I tried something else. I guess this is what they call withdrawals. This is completely stupid. Pretty sure I failed the test. But tomorrow is a new day.

I have learned that by association I can make certain foods not so appealing, but I am going to need some help on sugary things. So far I get around the fast food stuff by a fact (I heard it on the radio, so it must be true, right?!) That one in 8 people end up eating a pubic hair (gagging commencing) and if you really think about it, its not a far reach. So every time I thought i would cave, I would think of that. Worked really good. I am off milk and most dairy products thanks to the info about blood and pus found in it. GAROOSSS. But salty foods, sugary foods , i need to find something that will repulse me enough to stay away. All the while making positive associations with the good stuff. Meaning that other people are going to have to teach me some killer recipes for kale and other veggies. I have a vegan friend who I am learning a lot from. Still not sure why she just wont cook for me everyday. Boo. I cant afford hypnotherapy or accupuncture (although, i would love that!)


I’ve been drawing in my recovery journal again! :)

Positive Meal Time Affirmations:

  • Life is more than a number.
  • Food is not the enemy.
  • I deserve to nurture myself.
  • I trust my body to feed me in such a way that I remain at a natural, comfortable weight.
  • Strength and control come from exercising my personal power in the world not from refusing to eat.
  • I trust my body to make appropriate food choices and to know when it is satisfied with food.
  • I deserve to respect my body and to treat it with care and love.
  • My happiness depends on who I am and what I do, not my weight or size.
  • Food will not make me gain unnecessary weight.
  • My feelings have nothing to do with whether or not I should eat.
  • Food will be absorbed by my body, and used for energy and healing.
  • Fats are necessary: lipids do not fatten us, but nourish us.
  • This feeling too shall pass.

Swimming trunks (by Stinkersmell)


Swimming trunks (by Stinkersmell)

It takes time

I need to keep reminding myself this. I keep having minor setbacks with my eating disorder, but I know I can do this. It took time for me to get this way, so I guess It would take time for me to get well. They say to set goals. Short term goals are to flip my pantry, fridge freezer to Non GMO, Organic only. I can check that off my list. Cut pork from my diet. Done. Cut milk from my diet. (Still working on sour cream and cheese, but they have to be organic and minimal). Fast food. Been working on that for over a year now. Was doing really good until this a few months ago, and started slipping and eating what I let myself believe were the lesser of the evils Del taco cheddar quesadilla, fire house subs when out with friends. I feel like chipotle is ok because they have gone organic, but really, I think I am really just trying to rationalize it. I do eat at local restaurants, and that seems to be where my addiction has morphed. But back to my goals. To spend less than $50 a week on outside food/drink. (part of the addiction is the process of getting said good stuff). I want to try running again. I want to find a type of exercise that feels so good I can exchange it for stress eating without thought. Just like stress eating happens without a thought. Long term goals- Cutting all sugar from my diet.  (this will be hard because my big addiction right now is homemade caramel in my latte. Back to running, I am putting this in print so it will have to happen right? I want to run a marathon before I am 50. That gives me 9 years to train. It took 14 years for me to get in the physical position I am in, so I figure it is going to take just as much time to get it back. 

I have dedicated myself to rescuing animals, it’s time to rescue myself.


"Don’t judge our love."

Photos by ©Bert Jonkhans